Added: Jami Debellis - Date: 15.11.2021 18:52 - Views: 34646 - Clicks: 3161
Once someone has been socially lonely for a while there are some thinking patterns and behaviors they tend to slip into that make it harder for them to get out of their isolation. Not every one will affect every lonely person, but they show up often enough.
They aren't anyone's fault. People's minds just naturally, subtly slide in that direction under the circumstances. Fortunately, if you're having these issues, once you're aware of them you can change your situation by consciously acting in a different way. If someone has few or no friends and rarely goes out they can understandably feel embarrassed and want to hide it. At its mildest this means being vague with your co-workers every now and then about what you did on the weekend, because you don't want to admit you unwillingly stayed in.
That's not so bad. The pattern can really set you back when one or both of two things happen: The first is when you start to prioritize concealing your loneliness over doing things to get out of it. For example, you don't go to events where you could meet new people, because you're afraid they'll ask you if you have any other friends, and you'll have to reveal you don't.
Or you'll turn down an invitation to a party because you think everyone will figure out you have no life if you show up alone.
The second is when your secretiveness about your social life starts to leak into the rest of your personality, and you start to come across as guarded and closed-off all around. How to get out of this pattern if you're in it: The most important thing to realize is that having a slow social life is nothing to be embarrassed about. It happens to many people at one point or another in their lives.
They move to a new city and don't meet anyone right away. They had a group of friends, but they dropped off one by one. They got distracted by work, school, or a serious relationship for a few years and now realize they have no one to hang out with. It doesn't mean they're flawed and unlikable, they just weren't able to meet new friends for a period of time. A second point to keep in mind is that most people don't really care what your social life is like. No one at a drop-in badminton meet up is going to try to play sleuth and figure out how many friends you have.
Even if your office colleagues have a passing hunch you don't get up to much outside of work, they've got a thousand things that are more important for them to think about than judging you. Practically this means you should put yourself out there by trying to meet new friends or organize plans with people you already know.
If your social life comes up, which it probably won't, then be casual and matter of fact about it. Say you're looking to meet people because you're new in town, or that you'd like to freshen up your social circle because a bunch of your old buddies moved away.
Wanting to make new friends doesn't brand you as lonely and pathetic. It's a normal thing that sociable people do. This article goes into the practicalities of telling people your social life is slow at the moment. When lonely people do interact with others they can be more shy than usual. They're more nervous, hesitant, and risk-averse.
If an conversation doesn't go according to plan they take it harder, and are quick to come to negative conclusions about themselves. They're more likely to feel uncomfortable or rejected and not want to try again going forward. There are a few ways loneliness can lead here: 1 If you've been unhappily isolated for a while then you can start putting too much pressure on yourself in your social interactions.
Talking to someone at a meet up isn't just friendly chit chat anymore. You start to see it as possibly your one chance to escape your miserable plight. That lower self-confidence can make you more inhibited and nervous around people. You can find yourself feeling shaky and unsure of yourself in situations you used to handle smoothly. How to get out of this pattern if you're in it: Shyness, anxiety, insecurities, and lower self-esteem are all broad social problems that can't be covered in one article.
There's a whole section of the site that goes into detail on the topic though. Overall, a big part of handling these mental issues is learning to recognize and deal with the unhelpful thinking that sustains them. Chronic loneliness can obviously make you unhappy. Feeling even a bit depressed can cause you to view your life through a more hopeless, negative lens. If you've made some attempts to make friends and they haven't panned out that can also leave you feeling frustrated and discouraged.
That can add up to a pessimistic attitude where you don't try very hard to get out of your loneliness because you're convinced there's no point in trying. You'll find reasons not to go events where you may meet people. If you do go, you're less enthusiastic about engaging with anyone. If you attend a hobby class and don't meet anyone on the first day, rather than giving it a few more tries, you'll be too quick to conclude that taking classes as a way to meet people just flat out doesn't work.
How to get out of this pattern if you're in it: Learning to dispute your pessimistic thinking can help, but more than anything you just have to commit yourself to a proven process for making friendseven if you're not feeling it the whole time. You can't get past your loneliness if you're not getting out there and doing what you need to do. That means showing up at events where you can meet new friends, starting conversations, and then trying to build a relationship with whomever you seem to get along with. Once you do have some success your thinking will naturally start to shift and become more optimistic.
You need to accept things may not turn around right away. Not every event will have people who are friend material.
The sparks won't fly in every conversation. Not every person you have a pleasant chat with will want to hang out again. However, the core process is sound. People use it to make friends every day. You might need to make some tweaks along the way - maybe an acquaintance will make a suggestion on how you could introduce yourself better - but again, the basic template is solid.
Studies have shown that lonely people evaluate others more harshly. They can come across as more unfriendly and grouchy than they intend. They may not give potential friends enough of a chance. As always, there are a couple of explanations for why this happens: 1 As mentioned, loneliness can make people unhappy, which can cause them to view everything, including potential friends, in a more negative light. This can come out as protective "I'll reject people before they can reject me" or "I'll tear others down so I can feel better about myself" attitudes. There's nothing inherently wrong with thathowever once they become lonely their natural choosiness gets twisted by the two factors and becomes too harsh.
How to get out of this pattern if you're in it: This is another case where you need to force yourself to outwardly act in a way that will eventually pay off, even if you aren't that inwardly enthused about it.
When you meet people who seem like they're good match for you, consciously make yourself give them a fair shot. Try to behave in a friendly way. Talk to them and try to forge a connection. Invite them out. Hang out with them a few times. Often you'll find yourself warming up to them if you can push through your initial picky reaction.
If you give them a chance and it still doesn't work out, that's fine. It happens. At least you didn't write them off too early, before you had enough to go on to make a proper decision. On the link below you'll find a training series focused on how to feel at ease socially, even if you tend to overthink today. It also covers how to avoid awkward silence, attract amazing friends, and why you don't need an "interesting life" to make interesting conversation. Some people want to hide their loneliness because they worry if someone finds out they have no friends, that person will assume they're desperate and clingy.
Not everyone thinks all friendless people are like that. And not everyone who's lonely does act desperate. As you just read, some unintentionally come across as choosy and aloof. A fear of being thought of as desperate falls under the earlier point about being ashamed of loneliness. This point is about when lonely people actually are too forward and eager. Like I said, it doesn't alwways happen, but some people with barren social lifes can come on too strong when they're trying to make friends.
Their body language can seem forlorn or overly keen.
They may be so starved for emotional connection that they start oversharing with someone they just met. They might make a new acquaintance, then immediately try to see them four times a week. How to get out of this pattern if you're in it: I realize if you are feeling desperate that's not a switch you can just turn off. What you can do is consciously try to curb your outer thirsty behavior. Don't try to push friendships forward faster than the pace they'd naturally grow. Even if you want to get past your isolation now now now, remind yourself that the best way do that is move at the same speed as everyone else.
Trying to force a quick, intense friendship doesn't help you accomplish that. It usually backfires. Know that once you make your first friend or two a lot of your desperation will lift, and you'll be able to build the rest of your social life from a more relaxed hepace. It's emotionally painful to be more socially isolated than you'd like. If you're lonely it only makes sense that you're not going to want to sit around and feel bad about yourself the entire time.Lonely looking to hang out
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